Thursday, February 11, 2016

Broken Strings Cannot Be Played On

Welcome back Kotter - It has been a while

 I feel like I am the girl who will never be trusted (I have had a string of May December romances and they all have lead me to believe this). I wonder to myself often, is it really me? It must be, or am I choosing the wrong type of dude time and time again. I guess only time will tell. I can’t keep getting into these so-called relationships only to want to leave them in a few months’ time.

I am almost 30, and I have never had a real serious relationship. I have watched my friends and sisters get married, have their babies, and lead what is deemed a normal life by society. I work at a bar where I keep late hours and maybe party too much while the rest of the world sleeps (industry life I tell ya). So the old marriage and baby making game is far from my own reality. I like my life, but there has got to be something coming my way that showcases raw and real love (that doesn't include the dreaded "netflix and chill").

I keep finding these dipshits, and they stick around once they’ve found me. Okay, maybe dipshit is a strong word, politically incorrect because they are human beings but it tends to be my fault giving them the energy they need to feel like a man, a wanted man. Maybe I'm the dipshit...oh goodness NO!

I cannot really commit. I don’t mean I am a cheater by any means but I cannot seem to allow myself to want to be with someone longer than my head and heart are in it. I find myself getting bored quickly because I am a smart woman, a funny woman, a beautiful woman with a kind heart but I guess I am weak when it comes to just saying ‘no thanks’ and moving the fuck on. I tend to stay on the train when it's clearly left the station. Sometimes I fall asleep on the train and wonder how the fuck did I get to this destination of wanting more out of myself with the dudes I have been meeting. 

My best friend says I need a professional man, but as a struggling writer...I am no where near having the career I deem worthy in my head. So this "professional man" because of my own career energy is taking his fucking time to find me. Or maybe it's Tom Hardy and I am patiently waiting on the divorce to come through. Either way... Josh is always right. 

I keep wasting my time with these dudes (I can't even call them men at this point) who act like they are still freshmen in college. My goodness --JOSH IS ALWAYS RIGHT. I guess I just do not know how to change the situation, and maybe I need to stop giving these dudes the benefit of the doubt and run when I see any red flags. *I even have an older post about red flags yet I don't follow my own fucking advice* I really can't help a dude if he doesn't want to trust me, that is his issue especially when I give him no reason to be deemed untrustworthy. Insecure dudes come in dozens and I am sick of buying into it. 

While this was once a blog dedicated to nails, I have decided to make it a roundabout of my life since we are all struggling with something or someone. The name fucking stays though because technically this world is dominated by man, but this well manicured woman is sticking her middle finger up and saying "I GOT THIS".