With that being said, my dramatic nature is not a sign of an unstable life. I was raised by two of the most fascinating people you will ever meet. They showed me at a young age how to be a strong, independent woman. I am that woman today. It may have taken a while for my brain to recognize this but here I am...standing tall and never backing down.
I can't stand weak women. I just can't. The ones that linger on men that treat them like shit, the ones that are waiting by the phone for that apology..honey it ain't gonna happen and sooner than later, you will be the one calling to apologize.....such bullshit!
They cry, they wonder what they did wrong, they drive themselves to the point of a Jennifer Aniston pity party. Hey bitch, get the man off that pedastool and fucking get your OWN life. It's okay to sleep at night alone, it's okay to carry your grocery bags home yourself, it's okay to go see a movie alone. What I'm trying to get at is that beyond what relationships are, you must always maintain a strong sense of self. A sense of power within your own being. A bond with your head and heart before you portray it to others.
I could have been one of these weak women. I have mentioned in a past blog that I was in a terribly abusive relationship, but where would crying over some 'douche bag that thinks drinking and beating are the way to spend a friday night' get me?! It certainly would have been a big slap in the face to my parents and how they raised me. It would have been a slap to my friends who care and love me. It would have been a slap in my own face, my own dreams, my own passion, my one and only life. So what did I do?! I backed out of that relationship and moved to the greatest city alive...my brilliant Toronto.
We had plans to move here together in April 09. I was saving like a fiend. I was working hard at a job I didn't quite love but hey it was money for the city I had envisioned myself in since 16. One day in November 08, I had it out with my boss...she was an idiot that talked to me in a way that I just didn't care for. So I left then and there...if there's not an ounce of respect then why stay around?! I came home to my (ex) boyfriend and told him that I couldn't wait any longer for Toronto..that January was when I was moving--with or without him. He was so wishy washy, one day it was "yes Jess, I can't wait" the next day it was "oh fuck no, I can't leave the recording studio" **hey dummy, if you wanna stick around for a studio in Ottawa and think Toronto has nothing to offer..well your brain is as small as your penis** Then his mother started to get involved calling our home at 2am crying and saying "he isn't old enough to make this decision" or "you can't leave me" **hey lady dummy, you left your kids to be on their own when they were 14...wow great parenting**
And on that fateful night of December 12 08, he went kookoo. I won't blog about the experience in details..but it was just that--an experience. Horrific and heartbreaking as it was, I knew the direction to take. I knew to not wait around for it to happen again. I left, I found my little apartment and moved two weeks after the traumatic incident.
YOU ARE GIVEN ONE LIFE TO LIVE, MAKE IT A GREAT ONE!
Alot of my friends think I can be selfish, yes I can but look where it's gotten me. I have faith in myself and if some consider that as selfish, then sell me all the fish in the world cuz that's the drama queen in me. I know I am awesome and I know how much this guy has missed out. Not just on the relationship with me, but with a city that could have been his light.
A day of judgement will reach us all and his will come, and he will live in a petty obstructed life. A life of seldom self forgiveness. A life of the meek. And let me tell you, not out of spite (because I have within myself forgiven him) but he's gonna be a troubled adult. And it makes me rah rah rah a little bit.
hazah!
Great post doll! You are dramatic - you're a leo right? - but that is what makes you YOU. Being selfish is not necessarily a bad thing - sometimes we need to tend to our own needs before those of others, and that is good. It makes us into the people we are meant to be - the persons we want to be. If we always give our energy away to others, what do we have left for ourselves?
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud of how far you have come, and the obstacles that you have risen above. You're one strong and inspiring woman, thank you for being in my life :)
hmmmm, let's consider this carefully...
ReplyDeletethe dictionary definition of "selfish" is
"arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others"
*OR*
" concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others"...
and that's a huge jump away from the "self-care" that you are practicing!!!
sometimes when we begin to act in way that is different from our typical interactions with people, they may be uncomfortable or threatened or just unsure of what's going on. this can lead to comments like "you're selfish" or "I wish you were like you were before"...
it's ok to clarify and say I'm not selfish, I'm just taking good care of me and smile at the person.
many times in this great life, we just need to give ourselves what we're looking for from others - love, acceptance, a pat on the back for a job well done or just a smile and wink back at yourself in the mirror to get your day started on a positive note.
I'm in agreement with tweal's wise comments - you have transcended tremendous obstacles. you're a very cool chick and I feel so blessed to know you.
When in doubt, I reread this poem by Mother Teresa:
Anyway
People are often unreasonable,illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest anyway.
What you spend years building,someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness,they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
Inspiring, huh? And you know what - it really never is between you and them...anyway
take good care :)
This is a powerful post. It made me think. I am fearful of being alone and will do anything not to be just so i dont have to listen to my own thoughts. However, when I'm finally forced to be alone I begin to work on me and feel so much more healthy. I think I'll take your advice and do me first at least for this week.
ReplyDelete